There is a widespread misconception that being LGBTQ+ is fully normalised today. However, once we step outside major cities, closet doors remain firmly locked. Even in large cities, feelings of insecurity and fear are returning to the streets through the proliferation of old reactionary rhetoric.
For this reason, packing a suitcase remains an urgent way out for many people: sexile.
Beyond its political dimension, there is an emotional sexile: the need to seek a geography where you do not have to police whom you look at, how you speak, or whom you love. Moving seems like the ultimate solution to start from scratch and live your affections without fear. However, those of us who have packed our bags in search of a freer life know that moving to more cosmopolitan and urban environments or crossing borders does not eliminate our internal alarms: while we may find a friendlier setting, this does not mean we automatically inhabit that freedom.
1. Escaping the Gaze: The Promise of a Fresh Start
Sexile begins with the silent exhaustion of censoring your life before family, work, or a suffocating environment. For many people, moving to open cities—such as London, Madrid, or Berlin—is experienced as an OPPORTUNITY.
“As soon as I get there and nobody knows me, I will be able to BE with complete authenticity.”
External freedom is felt instantly when we download dating apps and see profiles with face pictures, witness neighbourhoods proudly displaying visible flags, and have easy access to community spaces.
Yet when the initial euphoria fades, a very common paradox emerges: you have the freedom to date or hook up, but you are unable to let anyone into your emotional world.
2. The Metaphor of the Armour on the Beach
Let me ask you a question: Why is it so difficult for us to build intimate and secure bonds?The answer lies in the adaptation mechanisms we built to protect ourselves.
Imagine someone who has spent years in a hostile zone and learned to wear heavy iron armour just to survive. One day, they visit a calm, warm, and safe beach where everyone is wearing light clothing or is even naked. The external threat is gone; however, the person continues walking across the sand with the armour on. The shield that once saved their life now prevents them from feeling the breeze, the heat, and genuine contact with others.
In sexile, the same thing happens: the environment changes, but our nervous and emotional systems remain configured in alert mode.
Common Emotional Blocks in Sexile:
- Defensive inertia: After years of hiding, vulnerability is unconsciously associated with danger[cite: 1, 2]. Showing genuine affection or committing emotionally activates the fear of being judged or hurt.
- The clash of affective codes: Every culture connects and expresses care differently. Even while living our identity with a certain degree of freedom, an expat often becomes a “simultaneous translator of affection,” trying to decipher distance, pacing, or signals of interest within a cultural code that is not their own.
- Unclaimed baggage: Guilt, learned shame, and internalised homophobia travel in the suitcase. While the judgments of the environment of origin are silenced, the internalised voices learned back home remain alive.
3. Clinical Case: When External Freedom Isn’t Enough
*Note: Names and personal details have been modified or anonymised to protect clinical confidentiality. This case is inspired by real clinical experiences.
To understand how this manifests in counselling, we can look at the case of Mateo* (31 years old), originally from a small, conservative town in southern Spain, who has been living in Madrid for three years:
Mateo came to therapy after going through several breakups in a short period of time:
“I came to Madrid looking for freedom. In my hometown, I lived in fear of being discovered. Here I go out, I have dates, and nobody judges me. But as soon as someone wants to spend a quiet weekend with me or talk about the future, I feel an overwhelming anxiety, I feel like I am suffocating, and I cut off contact.”
During the therapeutic process, we discovered that Mateo had associated freedom solely with the absence of external restrictions and an active social life, but had never learned to sustain emotional intimacy.
Every time a partner offered care and closeness, the mantra he grew up with was triggered: “If you show who you really are, you will be rejected.” Mateo was not running away from his partners; he was protecting himself from a punishment that no longer existed in his present, but remained etched in his affective memory.
Affirmative and attachment-focused therapeutic work, combined with delving into his self-chosen core values, helped him distinguish past danger from present relational safety, learning to identify his “armour” as a first step toward shedding it at his own pace.
4. The Opportunities: Reclaiming Authorship of Your Own Intimacy
Sexile also opens up some of the most valuable growth opportunities:
- The affective blank canvas: Moving away from the mold and familial expectations of origin finally allows the honest question to surface: “How do I want to connect when nobody from my past is watching?”
- Chosen family: The new setting encourages the creation of horizontal support networks with other expats or local peers sharing similar journeys, becoming safe spaces for belonging and relational repair.
- Unlearning to reconnect: It allows you to question rigid relationship templates in order to design bonds, affection, and forms of intimacy that are far more coherent with who you are today.
In Conclusion…
The true journey of sexile does not end when you sign a lease or learn a new language. The journey is complete when we stop being emotional exiles and manage to build a home within ourselves.
Intimacy does not depend solely on the openness of the host country or city, but on the internal permission we grant ourselves to trust, show vulnerability, and receive affection without apologising.
Do You Relate to This Experience?
If you identify with the experience of sexile and find it challenging to open up emotionally in your new environment, I offer you a safe and affirmative space to explore your relationships and your adaptation process. I can support you on your journey.
AcceptingMe Therapy is a counselling service specialised in Affirmative Therapy and working with Expats.